the miraculous reveal of the controller

The armoring falling away exposing the luminescent whirl of the heart center, our shimmering nature discovered just beyond our pain.” — Kaira Jewel Lingo, grief meditation 1/31/21

There is a part of me that pushes away this internal controller and the more energy spent on pushing away and resisting, the more hardened the controller seems to become.

Today there was room for her to be seen and known.

This is her nature: she is love. all this time. she is love.

Gentle, soft, vulnerable, light blue, pristene, powerful, alive, fluid.

She reports, when it is safe, that she wants me to have a beautiful life. She is trying to protect me from old painful experiences, experiences registered and carried in this nervous system. She doesn’t want me to have to feel any of it. She works hard at that. The collateral damage of this work is a feeling of being cut off from heart and body. It keeps me working hard, all my life, to avoid abuse, shaming, any and everything that is “out there” and, in here.

The vision of her true nature came as a gift today. An opening or uncovering, a courage to show up, to allow herself to be seen.

I love her with all my heart.


This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

— Jelaluddin Rumi, translation by Coleman Barks